I've spent the last six months in darkness and the previous four or five years in another kind of darkness. I think darkness is lonely. Nobody wants to hear about it and I don't want to share about it. It comes with challenging thoughts and beliefs and it comes with demons and fears. It's like a gravesite of lost things. If I were to take a little trip on the Magic School Bus, the animation show from when I was a kid where the teacher of an elementary school class had a magic bus that could take them inside plants and things to learn about the world, I would take a trip into my mind just to see how it's was doing in there. I'd like to try to find the lost pieces from my childhood, the lost hopes, the lost dreams, and all the other good things I've lost that I can't even remember. I've lost parts of myself I didn't want to lose, really important foundational parts of myself and as I'm looking forward to a better future than the last years, I want to find some of those things. I want to find myself again. This all may seem lofty and a little wild to wrap your mind around, but this is what I've been dealing with. This is not lofty or "out there" to me. It's just my reality and the thing I need to do to continue to be okay.
Life has not been easy for me. I'm sure it's not easy for most people in a million different ways. My story is one of mental pain and sufferings, and I would not wish this on any person, because it is so horrific and takes yourself from yourself. And I'm not perfect, so I handled things pretty poorly and made decisions for myself that I shouldn't have to manage the pain. But the pain didn't go away. It got worse, because I treated myself poorly and got upset that I treated myself poorly. Pain hovered like a cloud and if I had not gotten professional help when I did, there is no doubt I'd be worse off and worse off and it would never end until I couldn't hold on anymore. There is no doubt. One thing that is important to hold onto is people. Your friends, your family, anyone that will help you. Hold onto those people, because those people might be your lifeline even if you don't want to ask for help and you don't want to be a burden, because you need help and you are not a burden. And if you're a person for someone with a mental illness, you can't solve their problems for them, but you can direct them to get professional help and support them in those decisions.
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