It is challenging for me to begin writing, because I want to write about everything all at once. I want to write about travels, goals, dreams, revelations, current events, and every other thought in my head fighting to be the chosen one. I thought I wouldn't have enough to write about, but the reality is that I have too much.
There's much too much floating around haphazardly up in my brain, so it's no wonder I dilute my brain a bit to fish out what is absolutely necessary and then zip it all back up like an over-stuffed suitcase. I'm not quite sure why I do this. It would be a lot more comforting and peaceful to see everything out in the open. It would feel a lot better to take the time to understand my experiences and thoughts rather than lock them away in a vault. I've thought about this before.
Maybe processing events and new things has caught up to me so that I can't do anything but put the events in a waiting room. Maybe I don't want to remember things because my brain is trying to protect me from painful memories. Maybe I don't want to process experiences because I'm lazy and it takes so much brain power and it doesn't seem worth it to me to go through everything. But then again don't most people experience things and process and recall memories as they go? They don't need to question why their brains are blocking them from thinking clearly or not remembering last week let alone last month. It's all a bit of a blur and a numbness.
Only when I truly concentrate can I put thoughts together correctly that are about more than just what to eat and how to get through the current day. I can pull up on file exactly what I need to know and then I put my thoughts away and try to forget that past the neatly organized file cabinets there are zillions of pages of information flapping about with nowhere to go. It's as though there's no need for them to have an organized place, but I am all too aware that things are not right. There's a dull ache in my brain that never seems to cease.
I don't know what will fix this problem. It's probably not a quick fix like opening a suitcase and letting the contents pile out. Maybe I need a new system for organization. Or maybe it will work itself out. Brains seem to do that for other people, so maybe if I stop thinking about my brain not working properly, it will start kicking into high gear. Maybe it's not a problem with my brain at all and I'm reading it wrong. Maybe I just need a little direction in life and my brain will pick up on the scent and follow.
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