I'm pretty sure it's okay to have a breakdown every so often and right now that's about 3 to 5 times a day. It's not something I seek or plan for. I mean that wouldn't make any sense. "Ah yes and here at 9 a.m. I have scheduled a breakdown about where my life is headed, then 3:30 p.m. I've got tennis with longtime friends, then 5 p.m. I have a cry planned to self-deprecate about life mistakes, then in the evening around 10 p.m. I think I'll sob about not knowing who I am. Just so you all know, I have super fun plans for myself all the time. I have this little saying I repeat over and over again as I'm putting in plans for the week in my planner and it goes like this: "Can't stop won't stop." It really keeps me going in a downward spiral.
So many times I've heard people say, "well you can't possibly think this way. Just stop." I mean I would if I could, but it's not really my choice. I promise I did not schedule crying sessions or time to think on "dark" topics into my Tuesday along with my afternoon tea. There's this thing where people don't want you to lie about how you are, but really when you ask someone, "how are you?" don't kid yourself into thinking that you want an answer other than "good! Thank you. How are you? Which you politely respond, " I'm great thanks!" It's really not the end of the world to let people respond how they want to and then not freak out when we all lie about how we are. It's also not the end of the world to hear the truth, but people had better brace themselves before they hear my truth.
Don't pretend to be a therapist if you are not a therapist. It is not your job to counsel me. I've got enough people doing that who I pay to do that. I love friends who listen and encourage and ask pretty much like maybe half a question and that's it. I need to learn and grow on my own and go through the season of suffering without feeling like someone is trying to understand me when they know nothing about the way that my mind works. It goes dramatically all over the place and I don't exaggerate. One second it's on the crazy dream I had from the night before about giant layered lollipops that break open layer by layer as they melt away and the next my brain is thinking about day dreams. The real dreams of fulfillment in career and love to and from people and traveling, building new perspectives on the world. Sometimes I think if my mind were simple I wouldn't be depressed, but I can't say that because then I would be saying that those without depression are simple-minded. Maybe they are, but maybe that's not so bad. Well I did say maybe. I'm probably wrong, but there's a slight chance depression is for the brilliant. Maybe not. Maybe that's okay. Maybe I'm dumber than a doornail, but it wouldn't matter either way. Doesn't change too many of the circumstances.
People have said that I make my social media presence look like everything is going amazingly for me. Far from the truth. A good friend of mine said that it just goes to show the power of social media. I'm not happy. But I can make it look that way. It's not the same and if people think that a picture tells the real story. It doesn't. Believe me. A finished video or image does not reflect in any way the people behind that product. You don't know what's going on behind the scenes unless you are on the battlefront. We are all human and it is okay to remind yourself that people and their circumstances are not what they seem.
Purple days.
~Analise
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