If you know me, then you know I'm an emotional person. I'm a dramatic person. It's why Les Miserables, The Prince of Egypt, Schindler's List, Narnia, Harry Potter, and The Freaking Holy Bible are my cups of tea. Why have one cup of tea, when you can have six cups and counting? I can't help crying after watching A Long Walk to Remember every single time. Well it's not just crying. It's more like balling my eyes out. I'm literally losing my eyes to Nicholas Sparks. He can have my pair of eyeballs and bowl of tears when I'm done with it.
I live for drama, for the fun in life, for the seriousness in life, and the meaning behind every single thing. When I'm depressed, life is literally sucked from my soul. In one low moment, I cried about an old fence, wondering how it got there and what kind of life it lived. To be honest, I tell that story a lot. It lightens the mood. Not a big deal, she's just crying over fences. Hilarious. Right? Or pathetic. Or ridiculous. Or, it's a real look into how I view things that are still coming through the bleh of depression regardless of how much of me it wants to take away from me. Even in my lowest and maybe most embarrassing moments, there is still meaning.
I had a lot of dreams as a kid. I knew I was capable of anything I set my mind to. Now, I am "a waste of time." I didn't say it about myself and I won't say who said it, but when they said it, I believed it. It's a lot harder to have dreams when you realize you aren't capable of everything. I'm not a singer or a doctor. I'm not an engineer or a mathematician. Hell, I'm not even sure I'm an anything. I just sit around and pretend I know everything. Then if I don't know something, I teach myself. I thought that's what I was supposed to do, "fake it until I make it." But apparently acting like you know how to do everything is not the key to being in everyone's favor.
Speaking of being in people's favor... I have tried for most of my life to be in everyone's favor. When I say everyone, I mean everyone. I will give up whatever part of myself I need to in order to keep everyone on my side. I've realized that might not be the best life tactic I've ever had. The tactic may have turned on me a bit. In fact it's a little soul-sucking. You can't keep everyone pleased. Not possible. I mean is there anyone in the world who has been on everyone's good side? Probably not, so I suppose I need to stop expecting that of myself.
It's hard for me to admit this, but I think I have learned from one of the worst experiences of my life thus far. There have been other pretty terrible experiences and things and such, but a semester in LA was no trip to the candy shop. It was bitter and sad. It was a complete nightmare, one of those nightmares where the water is murky and your English professor is there lecturing to the talking animals while you try to swim, but are being pulled back by tentacled creatures from below that you think are sea lions, but are thinner in figure and ashier in color. Too specific, I know. What can I say except that my dreams these days are wilder than that, but I don't want anyone to freak out. I'll keep some of my scariest nightmares and fears to myself for now.
Speaking of fear, that's pretty much where I live now, either that or in a great abyss which is made up entirely of fear. I'm not exactly afraid of people or things or what I'm going to do with my life. I know that is a very common fear. Sometimes I share that fear. Sometimes. Usually, however, I fear myself. Am I the person I want me to be? Am I the person God wants me to be, or knows that I can be? Maybe I'm losing myself more and more each day and that thought is absolutely terrifying. Try taking a pill every single day to maybe possibly stay sane. Who knows, maybe it's a pill that is making me more meh as each day passes? Less me and more nothing. I'll find out at some point right?
You'll probably find, as I have found, that life is much more terrifying than any book can describe or any person can speak about. It is to be experienced. What fun.
Onward to more purple days.
~Analise
Comments